Super powers on a 13.FUN

2 super powers I discovered after completing my first half marathon. 
(My first one, as in, there will be MORE)

1. I can not loose weight while training. Call it a gift. No matter how much I run, how carefully I eat, nothin' happens. Weight does not budge. Don't be jealous! It's a slow thyroid. For real, I've been tested. Dumb dumb dumb.

2. I have a special skill for running UPHILL. What? I don't know. All my life with these big heavy thigh muscles - wondered what purpose they'd ever serve. Well, there it is. I can fly past people uphill. And then continue to zoom downhill. That and all the breakneck trail training I did this summer. PAY OFF!

It was a chilly, lovely fall morning. As I stood at the starting line, I thought, "Well. At least I'll never have to do this again."
Then I thought, "Man I'm cold. I wish I was home. Why do I do this?"
And then I thought, "What better way to spend my precious weekend mornings than crammed in with with thousands of strangers running in the delightful New England autumn?" 

I started slow, it seems I really hit my stride after mile 4. Then zoom zoom zoom past all the people who whizzed past me at mile 2. And then continue zooming. The last 2 miles were a little work. But when I ever heard that crowd and saw that finish line, that put some serious wind in my sails and I just went for it. I didn't really want to sprint at the end (bad for the ole ticker) but I just couldn't help myself. What's the purpose of pacing yourself then? Burn it up, I say!!!

I saw some amazing people chuffing along. Skinny butts, fat butts. Midget butts, one-legged butts. Old, young, fierce and timid. Everyone was there. I was proud of all of them and silently wished them all a safe & healthy race. I smiled a lot. It didn't hurt that bad. I felt good, felt love for my fellow runners. I cried the first mile out of joy and gratitude and remembering my lost loved one for whom I was running. I wanted to cry at the end again with gratitude and joy. I can move my body, I can do this, I DID this, and for that I am blessed and grateful. 

Putting the Try in Triathlon

After a pleasantly social media-free summer, I am back. I took a break from it all with the goal of living my life rather than logging it. It was very relaxing. Just getting through a day of training and working and childrearing is enough, and blogging on top of it all seemed like a bit much. Sometimes I'd just rather go do the dishes. Or read Goodnight Moon for the umpteenth time. Or stare at the wall. I am particularly found of that activity, especially after everyone's asleep and the house is finally quiet. 

I trained for and completed the Wildcat Sprint Triathlon, and I am now training for the Bay-State half-marathon this fall.

Putting the Try in Triathlon

I went back for more Wildcat Sprint/ Merrimack River panic this year. 

AND 

I placed 2nd for Athena. Yeah! 

I met the goals I had made for myself, mostly, although my swim time was shorter it was still longer than what I had hoped for. 

Looks calm. Looks can be deceiving. It's seething.
Photo courtesy of Marianne Gries/ Flickr Creative Commons

Despite my blissfully calm open water swims during training, I still apparently loose my beans at the onset of a tri swim. Loose my BEANS. And that current! Whew! That mighty, might Merrimack. I realize now I most certainly need a wetsuit and a coach for next year. And to do more races in general. Whatevs. I made it out of the water and picked up some momentum in the bike & finished the run strong. 

And now to keep plugging away for the half marathon. I can't wait to put that 13.1 sticker on my car. HA! How's that for motivation? I actually have a wealth of deeply emotional and spiritual reasons for doing the half, but for right here I am going to be shallow and say it's for that bumper sticker I crave to show off to the world that despite my fat ass and swaying post-partem, two 9lb baby pregnancy carrying, c-section having, jiggle belly diastasis recti ruined mummy tummy that I can in fact haul myself 13.1 miles muthafuckah!

"Dolemite is my name, and fuckin' up motherfuckers is my game..."

Why I left Facebook

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/compost/wp/2013/05/28/everyone-hates-facebook-but-we-cant-leave/

As much as I adore staying connected with my far flung friends and family, I believe those relationships will survive offline.  There were several instances that brought me to my decision to leave. 

The harnessing of personal info is too much. A friend of mine took some kind of "what kind of person are you" quiz that analyzed every single post, like, group, page, pretty much everything she ever did on FB, tallied it all up, then analyzed the same usage for all of her friends and made comparisons. I had never elected to be part of the quiz, and yet there I was, presented in her data with my FB "personality" on display. It said I was "contentious" and "neurotic". 

I found that alarming. 

FB has a way of twisting the way you appear. Even if you want to celebrate the good things online, you come across as boastful. Or whiny and ungrateful in the opposite case. I like to keep things to myself. You want to see a picture of my kids? Too bad. Come look at them in person. Hang out with me in life. I found that the timesuck void of FB was actually making me feel more lonely instead of more connected. 

I find a lot of insincerity on FB. A lot of people like to ramble on about their perfect this and perfect that. We all know it's crap. Stop trying to impress everybody. Your kids have as many tantrums as everyone else's. Give me a break.

Then final straw was on a page dedicated to the memory of a deceased friend. All of these people had wished him Happy Birthday. Why? He's dead? They were doing it for themselves, clearly. But why? These are people who had not seen or spoken to my deceased friend in years, if not decades. One woman had actually reused to speak to my friend for several years because of an old feud. She refused to forgive him, would not attend his funeral, and was convinced he was going to hell for his lifestyle. And here she is on FB proclaiming her sadness and loss and wishing him happy birthday. I don't want to see it.

And then there's this: http://finance.yahoo.com/news/facebook-tinkers-users-emotions-news-010656869.html

So, you want to stay in touch, here I am!

MYTH vs. REALITY

MYTH vs. REALITY.  

I received this flyer in the mail from my phone company the other day:

1st thought: "Aw! Cute baby!"

2nd thought: "Whoa whoa wait hold up. LOOK at what is ACTUALLY going on in this picture.  

Let's analyze. 

The work at home do it all mom is both talking on the phone AND working on her laptop. She is apparently extremely efficient. Everyone looks pretty put together. Everyone is remarkably clean.  Baby is happily gazing at the laptop screen. Mom's hair is groomed nicely, not in the traditional frantic mom nasty oatmeal ponytail.

Now I realize in the world of marketing and advertising there are certain requirements to present a type of idealized version of reality in order to sell a product, but really, what is this image SAYING.  
It is a lie, of course. It presents an idealized fantasy. I like idealized fantasies. It's why I buy the September issue of Vogue every year. But I don't want to be subliminally made to feel that that is what my reality should aspire to be. 

And now some reality:

Much better. Insert yelling noises.

 I have never been able to sit at my laptop without sticky spitty jammy hands slathering goo on the keyboard. That's not to say I don't clean their hands - I do - constantly. Their little paws can't help but ooze sticky jamminess all the time. It is an as-of-yet uninvestigated phenomena of toddler sticky hand secretion.  

   I've not once had a phone conversation whilst baby and toddler played contentedly without vying for my attention...does that even happen? Which leads me to wonder...what is on the screen there? Is that baby playing with ABC Mouse? Isn't he/she a little young? Or is Mama demonstrating pie charts on powerpoint and doing fun math sums on her excel sheet? Is she in a phone conference with work? Or just begging her mother-in-law to come over and watch the baby while she goes to the gym for an hour? No she's definitely having some kind of high-powered conference call there. By her body language she's clearly cool, collected, in charge and certainly doesn't need to beg anyone for help.

Let's break it down even more. Let's think about all the folks who exist outside the frame to make this illusion possible. Lighting techs, producers, marketing directors, hair and makeup artists, photographers, production assistants, baby wranglers, the baby's actual parents who are probably just off-screen shaking toys around frantically to keep the kid happily distracted. 

It's all bunk and they know it! They just want to make you feel guilty and sell you shit. You open this mail and think, "WOW! Look how together she is! I should get that phone/laptop/ wifi plan and then I can run a business from home while having fun with my happy baby! Easy peasy! Sign me up, dude!"

Athena bashing?

So, I belong to an Athena triathlete group on the old Facebook. And for those not in the know, Athena is a weight class distinction for women 165 lbs or more. It is not a requirement to assign yourself to this class, but many do. 

 So, this group was "suggested" to a woman, as Facebook likes to "suggest" to you groups to join, who became very insulted at this and made some pretty insensitive remarks which got some of the gals understandably a bit riled.  I cannot provide a link to this as it is a private group, but I made my own choice comments along the lines of "I am 165 lbs of muscle so she can go shit in her hat." 

This morning while out on a run with my son, a leisurely 3 miles pushing the 50+ lbs of combined child and stroller, I had the time to really rev up my inner monologue soapbox, and the beauty of social media is that I get to share it all with you!

Ahem.

I don't usually come on Facebook all cussin' and guns blazin', but damn if I wasn't feeling a bit FEISTY last night. This past September I had the privilege to be on national TV and declare to the lovely Dom Streater that I was "comfortable in my own skin" Check me out HERE

It took every second of my 37 years, many inner struggles and two wonderful babies to get to that point. I have been fat, skinny, everything in between. 
Now, by the grace of God, I can say I am a strong and healthy mother for my children. I feel good and do not for one day take my health for granted as I have seen so many of my family succumb to various illnesses.

80 year old men have whizzed past me in races, and I have "skinny" friends who can't keep up with me. We all march to the beat of our own divine rhythm and the world is better for it

I am proud to be an Athena Triathlete, I am proud of the women in the group because we all have some hella fiesty or we wouldn't even bother with it. ;)

I do not know the woman who made the remarks, and honestly, I am not insulted by her. This is about ME and how I feel in my own body. Her remark was insensitive and I don't care,  but it is representative of a general attitude that is pervasive in our culture. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

We are strong. We are healthy. We are blessed. Now lets get good and comfy in these amazing bodies! We inhabit them only so briefly. The hell with all that other noise!

What a Load...

...of snow. I have completely woofed it on any outdoor training lately. I blame February with Polar Vortexes, Arctic Blasts, and sheets of ice coating everything. And my jogging stroller's still busted.  I just kind of gave up last week and started playing video games rigorously from the couch. Will try again when snow melts a little. Will make necessary repairs to double jogging stroller, parts on order from Amazon. Remove my face from this troph of hot fries and commence spring time motivation then. Still hibernating now. Keeping my babies warm with me winter belly.

So it turns out I need a footpod for my Garmin to do the things I thought it would do. Pacing, splits, etc. I actually went and studied the manual.  Ha! No prob. I can make that happen. Thanks again Amazon. For some reason I have the idea that March will be better when I can crawl out from  under this extra layer of butt that I have cultivated this month.  

These comfy walls of inertia are a blessing and a curse. So cozy, so warm, yet so hard to break through. I will be doing my first 5k of the season this weekend - a fundraiser for a friend doing the Boston Marathon. My couch is going to miss me.....it think its going to hurt...but I will like it.

Top 13 songs for 2013

I am late to the top list of whatever for last year. But whatever. These are my favorite songs for 2013. Some of them are very obnoxious, some of them are lovely. Some are not even from 2013.

Immigrant Song - Karen O. It's from Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, my obsession at the dawn of the year.
Royals - Lorde & Thrift Shop  - Macklemore.  Two fabulously catchy and empowering songs that make one feel OK with being broke.
Up All Night - Daft Punk
Harlem Shake. So obnoxious. Not really from Harlem, mostly just gyrating.
What Does the Fox Say - Ylvis. God Help me get out of my head. Brilliant.
Hold On - Alabama Shakes. Brittany Howard's voice slays me.
Too Many Dicks on the Dancefloor - Flight of the Conchords. Hysterical, genius rhyming.
Subhuman Woman - Devo. It's an old B-side. I like to pretend I am an alien cyborg woman running uphill in my armor.
Skokiaan - Louis Armstrong. Always a happy fav. Just can't be sad when I hear it.
Roar - Katy Perry. I know. I know. But I can't resist a song that sends a positive message to young women.
Rapper's Delight - Sugar Hill Gang. Sandra Bullock brought this one back. Always classic happy hip hop.
Stairway to Heaven Led Zep Live version '07. Because of this guy: Jeroen Offerman

Happy New Year?

Happy New Year! I took the opportunity between Nor'Easters and Polar Vortexes to rock some rainbow socks on my inaugural New Years Day run. How lovely it all was, before we got snowed in and frozen. 

I'm a bit off kilter in my posting lately, but meh, I'm a bit off kilter in my running as well. It was a whirlwind holiday season. 

But now...I have a Garmin. Which makes me think of Andy Warhol, and here is why.

Andy Warhol is credited with saying something like this - although this is not a direct quote- "Wanting is better than having." This is because he believed that the anticipation, the desire and longing of having is so exquisitely built up in our minds that the reality often falls short. I would have to agree, and when it comes to my Garmin, sadly, this is so. 

Now, I am a techie person. In my place of work, I am the go-to troubleshooting guru. You bring me a piece of cranky software and I can make your dreams come true. 

All year I have fantasized about pacing my miles, measuring my splits, improving my cadence and speed. If only I had a sweet sweet Garmin to time my runs and measure everything! Then I could break that 9 minute barrier! Visions of a 27 minute 5k danced in my head. 


Alas, it was not to be. I kept pressing buttons and semi-trotting and begging and pleading and the end result was more like the episode of AbFab when Eddie hurls her blackberry out the window screaming "Give me back my life!!!"

Guess I should go download that owner's manual now...