High School Reunion Panic

I’d rather have a juicy bum than lung cancer!

Weekend run. The jiggling mass of my post-Halloween binge wags around in front of me despite layers of compression clothing.  I have never eaten this much candy before. We’ve never gone trick-or-treating before! Gross gross gross. It’s actually, probably really not that bad but I have a sugar hangover bloating and lethargy and am beating up on myself for over-indulgence. I typically don’t keep that shit in the house. The kids like sweets but they are not a part of our daily life. Thank goodness. I won’t have anymore now. Now it’s time to strip down, pair down, back to basics boot camp style for two weeks to tone up a bit for the...drumroll, please…..20 year High School Reunion! Scream!!! Oh my god!!! I bought a dress. It looks good. It’s going to look better after I start 5:30am yoga and carb aversion. Why do we do this? Because we do. I shouldn’t worry. I have spanx. But there it is. Two years, almost 3 now. Ok 2 years and 10 months after Anna and I have yet to lose that goddam last 10?15? lbs of baby weight. I know, I know, I complain and run and train and starve and overeat a megaton of candy, yes. All those things are true. But surely it’s got to be something much more exotic than impending middle age and a retarded metabolism. (And I mean that in the absolute literal sense of the word). Let me go over my mundane laundry list of activity: two sprint triathlons, a Spartan, a half-marathon, countless 5ks, zumba, walking, yardwork, housework, dancing and squats and crunches and nothing. Then I gave up. Then I was fine with it. Now I am playing into the typical American- woman-with-impending-high-school-reunion-hysteria-bullshit that I must immediately become 10 years younger and 20 lbs thinner.   I thought of all this and considered, “Should I start smoking again?”

via GIPHY

What a load of crap, I say. NEVER!!! I quit smoking! I’ll take the extra poundage and the juicy rump if it means I can run, sing, laugh and play year after year with my kids instead of huffing around, thinner yet wrinkled and stinking and suffocating, unable to breathe and wishing for the bajillionth time that I could give up smoking. I will nestle into my extra butt and congratulate myself on that, at least. And since, high school, that is truly one accomplishment I never thought I could achieve.  And the lack of wrinkles from quitting smoking is a bonus. And the fact that I RUN a 5k instead of SPENDING 5k on goddam ciggy butts.

HA-HA!!! Victory!

Triumph!

Success!

and….SPANX!!!